Remembering
by Chickee1
Summary: What has been going through Grissom's head when it comes to Sara?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Remembering  
Author: Chickee1  
****Rating: PG-13  
****Pairing: GSR  
****Authors, note- _Italic is grissom remembering what happend in S.F.  
_****Summary: What was going through Gissrom's mind when he saw Sara in 'Cool Change'.  
Disclaimer: I don''t own anything or anyone from CSI, the show and its characters belong people other than me. I am borrowing the characters for my own enjoyment. The song does not belong to be, it belongs to James Blunt- goodbye my lover.**

It was like a dream, a dream that I have had many times before. Seeing her again for the first time, I didn't know how to react, or even what to say. Seeing her, seeing her smile it was like before she simply took my breath away.

**Did I disappoint you or let you down?  
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?  
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,  
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.  
So I took what's mine by eternal right.  
Took your soul out into the night.  
It may be over but it won't stop there,  
I am here for you if you'd only care.**

_I can almost remember it like it was yesterday. I was teaching a semester at the University of San Francisco and she was late for my class. As she walked in I saw that her cheeks were red, as if she'd be running trying not to be late. I tried to forget about her throughout the class, however I found my eyes wondering to find her. And every time my eyes wondered, hers connected with mine and she smiled, smiled that beautiful smile. _

"I don't even have to turn around, Sara Sidle", I said with a smile as I turned to face her. Face her for the first time in I don't know how many years. It's been so long now, I should have never let it get this long without seeing one another. "It's me" she answered with her beautiful smile, the same smile that gets me every time.

**You touched my heart you touched my soul.  
You changed my life and all my goals.  
And love is blind and that I knew when,  
My heart was blinded by you.  
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.  
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.  
I know you well, I know your smell.  
I've been addicted to you.**

_After that first day, she stayed after class to apologize for being late_. _I smiled, "It's not a big deal, I never worry about the first class. Just don't let it happen again". She nodded her head, "Because I feel so bad, would you let me at least buy you some coffee". I couldn't resist, I smiled back at her, as got a slight blush as well as she lead the way. _

We talked for a few moment about the stimulation dummies that I was using to find out what had happened to the guy in which I was investigating. She called me 'Old School' because I prefer to actually see it rather than watch it on a computer. I'm a scientist, its what I do.

**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**

_We talked for hours, about everything and anything. She was so curious, and not only about the bugs, but the job and what really caught me was me. She was interested in me. She asked me how long I'd been a CSI and when I told her, it was as if she'd run into a wall. "10 years, no way. You don't even look that old" she said. I took it as a compliment. "Thank you Miss Sidle. Shaking her head, she padded my arm ever so lightly, "I didn't mean it like that Dr. Grissom. I mean you look incredible good for your age. And please call me Sara". I nodded in agreement with her request, "Only as long as you call me Gil'. _

She asked how Holly was doing, and I couldn't lie. "Not good, doesn't look like she's going to make it", I said. I wish that this hadn't had happened, but at the same time I'm glad. I never had the nerve to phone Sara and invite her to visit me in Vegas, nor had I the nerve to see her in San Francisco. I guess in a way this was my second chance, a chance in hopes of fixing things, fixing the way we left things so many years ago.

**I am a dreamer and when i wake,  
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.  
And as you move on, remember me,  
Remember us and all we used to be  
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.  
I've watched you sleeping for a while.  
I'd be the father of your child.  
I'd spend a lifetime with you.  
I know your fears and you know mine.  
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,  
And I love you, I swear that's true.  
I cannot live without you.**

_The semester had gone too fast for both mine and Sara's liking. We were inseparable for the rest of my stay there. I had connected with her like no one else. She understood me and why I was like the way I was, and I did the same for her. She completed me, and what I had felt for her those few months I knew was love. My heart, my eyes, were all blinded by her, by her love. Her love for forensics, for wanting to the truth, but also her love she felt for me. "I think I'm falling in love with you" she whispered one night as we walked towards my hotel hand in hand. "Sara I'm leaving tomorrow" I said looking at her. She placed her finger on my lips, "Than let's not waste tonight" she said as we walked to my hotel room. That night we made love, we were finally complete. As we reached our peaks and collapsed onto the bed, she snuggled her back into my chest. "I love you too" I whispered as I kissed her head. She turned to face me, we kissed passionately and made love again for the second time that night. _

"God Sara I have so many unanswered whys", I said to her. By the look on her face I saw what she was thinking. The fact that I didn't only mean this case and what Warrick was thinking, I wanted to clear things up with her, I needed to clear things up with her. "There's only one why that matters now. Why did Warrick Brown leave that scene", she said. She was right, it wasn't the time nor place to talk about things, to talk about us, or the past and what we did have.

**Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me.**

_The next day she came with me to the airport, saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I think I'd ever had to do. Within a few short months I had gained a friend, a lover and now I had no choice but to say goodbye. Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. "We'll see each other again. I love you" I said as I placed my hands on her face and kissed her softly. "I know, it just seems like all of this was a dream" she said, as she tried to fight back the tears. "You have my number and my address. Sara this isn't just a semester hookup. You mean so much to me, more than words can say. But know this, I'm not that far, and if you ever need me, you know how to get a hold of me. I have to go. I love you". As I headed towards to boarding gate, I heard her call me. I watched her as she singed 'I love you' to me with her smile. And that was the last time that I had seen Sara Sidle. _

**And I still hold your hand in mine.  
In mine when I'm asleep.  
And I will bare my soul in time,  
When I'm kneeling at your feet.  
Goodbye my lover.  
Goodbye my friend.  
You have been the one.  
You have been the one for me. **

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.  
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

I was re-watching 'Cool Change' and the idea came to me about GSR having a relationship while he was in S.F and than seeing her again. Please R/R. And Hopefully this one doesnt do that fuky spacing thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Scared  
Author: Chickee1  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: GSR  
Authors, note- _Italic is grissom remembering what happened in S.F.  
_Summary:.  
Disclaimer: I don''''t own anything or anyone from CSI, the show and its characters belong people other than me. I am borrowing the characters for my own enjoyment. The song does not belong to be, it belongs to James Blunt- you're beautiful **

When I think about life and whether or not I know when life has been completed, I realize that I don't have a clue. At this time in my life I would consider my lucky, I have a job that I have loved for years and friends whom I consider my family, however I do not consider my life as complete. I have never been in a serious relationship that has lasted more than a few months, I have never been married, and as far as I know I haven't had any children. If anything, although I consider myself lucky I find that my life empty.

_I swear she was an angel sent from above to be with me. She was perfect in every way when I first saw her run into that lecture hall, late of course. After class she apologized for what happened. "I don't worry about the first class, just don't let it happen again" I said to her, trying to keep a straight face. But when she smiled at me, something inside me shut down. I was scared to say another word. _

At least I thought I felt this way, when I met Sara it was like something inside me was like 'this is what you've been waiting for all your life'. But as soon as it came, it was gone. I should've fought harder, I should've tired to see her more, see where it could've went. I loved...no I love her and she loved me. But this time things are more difficult, she's back in my life and for the first time I'm scared. I'm scared of what could happen or what won't happen. And I don't want to take the chance either, because I'm scared.

After a few years of her working with me in Vegas, I finally had to stop the dancing around that we had been doing and try to let her go. And that's just what I did. "You deserve a life" I said. The pause that was between us was like all time had stopped. I wasn't sure what to say or do, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. It was the last thing that I wanted to do, and I hope every day she realizes that. The look in her eyes that I saw each and every day after that killed me inside.

_I wouldn't call it a lovers quarrel but it felt like one. We had a disagreement on where exactly our relationship was going. I told her that I was only there for a semester and who knows what could happen. I'm a professor and she's a student and as right as it felt, I knew it wasn't. I made the mistake of telling her this. "Fine so you can act like you want something, act like I'm yours when really I'm not", she yelled. I didn't know what to say, so I let her walk away. And that night when I saw her with another man, it hit me. I had pushed her away and into the arms of another man. _

I can't remember what hurt more, when I told Sara that she deserved a life because I didn't have the guts to tell her how scared I was about having anything but a working relationship with her, or when I found out about her and Hank Peddigrew.

I know that I told her basically to get a life, but did I really mean find a new man. I have to realize that I had my chance, but at the same time I don't want to accept it. I want to believe that she'll be there when I need her, no matter the reason. I would've hoped that she'd accept that but instead I've made my feelings for her confusing not only for her but for myself as well. "You tell me to get a life and I get one. Than you expect me to be there in a moments notice. It's ah...confusing", she said to me. And she was right, I pushed her away only to drag her back and hope that we'll move on.

The thought of moving on without Sara has been a nightmare for me every time I attempt to sleep at night. But the thought of her moving on with someone else scares me even more, and when I found out about her and Hank I thought of curling up and dying. However that didn't last long, I overheard Catherine and Sara talking and apparently Hank was not only dating Sara but another woman and Sara found out. I saw the hurt in her eyes as she walked by me, the same hurt that I had put in her eyes not to long before.

I blame myself for what happened, I pushed her away from me, away from any hopes of a relationship, and pushed her towards a man that has only done the one thing that I had hoped would never happen to her again. He broke her heart. And I couldn't be there to comfort her, because I had pushed her towards him and away from me.

"_Sara I'm sorry, I didn't know what I was thinking", I said running up to her. "You didn't think Gil that's the problem" she yelled. "Please, Sara don't do this. I need you. Your what makes sense in my life. Your beautiful, your smile, your laugh, it's you" I said. Without words she kissed me. It was her way of forgiving me. "I can't imagine not ever being with you." _

There have been so many times that I wish I could've just told Sara, told her how I felt, told her that I wanted to be with her. But every time I go to say something, I stop. It's like a wall inside me saying, 'it's not the right time'. But if it's not the right time now, than when. Each and everyday working with her kills me. Not that I don't enjoy working with her, it's just so hard. Hard that I can't reach out and touch her, unless it involves work.

I'll never forget the case we worked and she was examining a bloody sheet. I walked in and asked her if she was checking my work. She explained to me that she was looking around. Within moments it was like time stopped between us again. She was facing me, her back to the bloodied sheet and that's when she asked me. "Pin me down", she whispered. Right away without question I grabbed onto her wrists. We stood there staring at each other, my hands moved to beside her waist, and it was at the moment that I could've kissed her. Our eyes were locked, and all I needed was to lean in closer. But she stopped me, stopped me before anything happened.

Things only got worse from there, we were called to a scene and when I stepped inside I could've sworn it was Sara bent over in that shower. My heart was almost pulled from my chest, I knew it wasn't her but at the same time all I saw was her. When I walked outside I saw her, I saw Sara standing there like it was just another crime scene. I stared at her, making sure it was real and that she wasn't going to disappear on me. And when she turned to look to me I realized that reality was with me. I hadn't lost her, at least not physically. But emotionally as much as we needed each other, being apart was the best thing for us.

Working that crime scene was hard for me and the last thing I wanted was for Sara to see her look alike. I told her I wanted her to work the perimeter, while Catherine and I worked inside. Catherine saw the look in my eyes every time I looked at the body, she wouldn't come out and say it, however I knew that she knew. For years she had always known that a women had a special place in my heart, which is probably why I couldn't commit to anyone else. After working this crime scene, Catherine finally realized who that women was. She didn't come out and say it, but I could tell.

After that case something changed me inside, I knew that if I didn't act soon I could lose Sarah permanently. After seeing the look alike, I was really scared. And before things could get better, I got a phone call. Sara had be arrested for a DUI. My first thought was hoping that she was okay, I got to the station as fast as I could and when I saw her sitting there my heart sunk. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay, that I was there for her. But I couldn't do that. I took her hand in mine, like I had done many years before and told her I'd take her home.

"_Gil I can't remember how many drinks we've had but we need a taxi, since neither of us can drive" Sara said as her and Grissom stepped outside of Lucky's Bar. "I don't remember the last time I had that much to drink" I said as I grabbed onto her arm. Within 20 minutes we had finally arrived at campus, "You should take the taxi back to your hotel room, you didn't have to see me back to my dorm" Sara said as she grabbed her bags from the backseat and got out. "I know but I'm a gentlemen and have to make sure that my lady gets home safely" I said with a smile as I walked up beside her. "Oh so now I'm your lady?" she asked. I nodded, "I'd like to hope so" I whimpered, as I took her hand in mine and placed a kiss on her lips. "You know that sooner or later this is going to get complicated", she said between kisses. I simply nodded my head as we continued to stumble up to her dorm room. "Since you here, do you want to come in? You know to make sure that your lady gets into bed safely?" she said as she unblocked her dorr and grabbed me by the shirt collar into her room. _

The drive to her house was silent, but I saw the small tears falling from her eyes and heard the quiet snuffles. When I put the Tahoe in park, I immediately got out and opened the door for her and once again took her hand in mine. I could feel that she was shaking, so I took off my jacket and placed it on her shoulders. "Thank You" she said through the tears. I simply nodded my head as we preceded to the door. "It's almost like back in San Francisco hey Griss" she said as she fought to unlock her door. "Let me" I said as I took the keys from her. "Except, in San Francisco we were both intoxicated, and I'm pretty sure this night is going to end differently" I said as I unlocked the door. As she walked into the apartment, I stood at the door watching her, waiting and wondering what I should do next. "It doesn't have to you know" she said as she walked towards her bedroom, only to turn back to be and smile at me as she took off my coat.

It was the invitation that I had waited years for, but I knew it wasn't right. I closed the door behind me and walked towards her room, and found her curled up on her bed. Grabbing a blanket I placed it over her cold body. "When the time is right Sara" I whispered as I placed a soft kiss on her temple.

Slowly Sara and I have began to grow closer, but it hasn't been easy. After that night we kept our distance. By some of the looks that Sara had been giving me, I would almost think that she was ashamed to come near me after inviting me to her bed. However it wouldn't have been for the first time. The first time we made love was after a drunken night and we went back to her dorm room. Neither of us regretted it in the morning, the only thing that was regretted was the amount of alcohol that was consumed and the hangover's that accompanied them the next morning.

When Sara blew up at Catherine and Ecklie it was at that moment when I rushed to her place that I knew she needed me. She didn't need me there as a boss, a lover or a co-worker but as friend. I sat and asked her why she was so angry after remembering so many happy memories with her. And within that moment she told me. Through the tears she told me about her mother killing her father. A horrific event that no one should have to go through. She needed to let it all out, and that's exactly what she did. She told me through the tears and when she was done, I held her hand and pulled her into my arms. Holding her like I had many times before, however the situation was completely different.

_Saying goodbye to her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I watched her from the window as I headed onto the plane. There were tears in her eyes and I knew exactly what I had done. "Sara I don't know when I'll be back, I don't know how this can word" I said to her. "Sure, you tell me that you can't imagine your life without me and now your dumping me. Fuck me and leave me, thanks Grissom", she cried. "It's not like that" I said trying to clam her down. "Whatever, go back to Las Vegas and tell your friends about the college student you managed to screw while being here". And with that she left. As I walked onto the plane, I saw her she didn't go far, but she was right. I didn't want to hurt her and my life was going to be hard without waking up beside her but somehow it'd work. I was scared of losing her and going on without her and I just pushed my nightmare into reality. _

I never once realized how fast life can change just by looking through a window. I've lost count of how many times I've hurt Sara, pushing her away from me because I was scared. But I don't think I had ever been so scared of actually losing her, than I did when I saw the patient holding what looked like a scalpel to her neck. One arm was wrapped around her neck holding her in one spot, while the other was holding the sharp object. I tried to be strong for her, trying not to panic when all I really wanted to do was smash through the glass and save her. I saw my life flash before my eyes, a life without her. And when that door opened and she ran out, I knew than that enough was enough.

When Nick was kidnapped, I knew than that it was time to make a move and tell Sara how I felt. I didn't have time to be scared or time to think about what exactly I was doing, all I knew what that I had to tell Sara Sidle that I loved her and that I wanted to be with her. However, we all know that you can't plan this sort of thing. Too many things kept coming up whenever I wanted to tell her, whenever I had the courage to tell her.

But it was Jim who actually told me to stop staling and just tell her. Being my friend for so many years he said to me, "Just because I'm not a criminologist doesn't mean I can't see what your thinking or what you want". He knew of what Sara and I had in San Francisco, and when she came to Vegas he told me that we couldn't just pick up where we left. And he was right.

However, right her right now was the right time. It was like the perfect moment, neither of us actually said an enormous amount of words. After we found Nick and everyone had gone their separate ways, I went straight to Sara's. Knocking on her door, I hoped that she wasn't all ready in bed sleeping . And when that door opened I was at a loss for words, "Griss you okay?" she asked. But for some reason the words that I had wanted to say, wouldn't come out. So I did the next thing I could thing of. Placing my hands on her face, I pulled her face towards mine and leaned down kissing her passionately. I wasn't sure what to expect, either for her to throw me back and kick me out of her place or pull me inside. And that's exactly what she did, pulling me inside, I kicked the door closed with my foot. Pulling back for air, I looked in her eyes "I can't do this anymore" I panted. "What took you so long?" she asked as she took my hand and led me towards her bedroom. And this time I wasn't going to pass up the invitation.

That was just over a year ago, and today I'm leaving her for the second time. However this time I promise I'm coming back. "Hey, my cab's here" I said as I watched her quickly hide the bump on her stomach. In the time we've been together, we've never talked about having children, but I can't think of a better person to have them with. "So your going?"she whispers. I nod my head, "Yeah". "I'll see you when you get back" she quickly says as she turns her back to me. As I approach her I walk up beside her, "I'll miss you" I say as I place my hand on her stomach. Turning to face me I can see the tears forming in her eyes. "I'm coming back. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. I love you" I say as I place a kiss on her lips. "Both of you". "I know" she whispers.

As I take one last look at Sara I smile. I'm with the women that I love and she is carrying my unborn child. And when I get back, I'm going to ask her to marry me. So if you were to ask me what I think about life now and if I still considered myself lucky I wouldn't have to hesitate with my answer. I have a job that I have loved for years and friends whom I consider my family. It's amazing that no matter how scared you are to say or do something, life has a way of pushing you through it. Now ask me if I finally feel that my life is complete and all I'll be able to do is smile. For the first time I consider myself lucky and my life no longer empty, but getting better and better each day.


End file.
